Does your World Enhancer Know?
Sometimes we have people in our lives who just make it feel like a better place. A more enjoyable place to be. It’s not that you did not have a fulfilling life before, it’s that they enhance the greatness that once was your life. Somewhere along the way, many of us have been told that we should not fully appreciate that.
I recall being on the receiving side of that conversation a friend advised me “you can’t let him know that”. I remember what went through my mind when she said “you never tell a man that stuff”. There was a bit of confusion there—The difference between someone who is your World Enhancer and the one who is your world. When someone is your world, you can feel that there is no life without that person. When the person is your World Enhancer you know there is life away from them. They even help you see how great life is independent of them. But you also know that no matter how great life is without them, it is even better with them. The air seems sweeter, music sounds nicer, the sun is warmer and the ocean is bluer. Why would it be such a bad thing that someone knows that they do this for you?
Many people struggle with this, especially the “independent woman”. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with someone being your World Enhancer. It takes nothing away from you, yet adds so much. You may not need them to meet your basic needs, but you know they play an important role in your life and that should be both welcomed and appreciated. If he makes you feel on top of the world- Tell him. He just may d it more often just because he knows you like it. Your world enhancer will not abuse that knowledge but will instead keep it as a reminder of a standard and appreciate the privilege. If you cannot trust them to do that, then you are not dealing with a World Enhancer. It’s up to you what your next decision will be, but you should know the difference.
You’re not looking for someone to be your world. If you find yourself in a relationship where the other person is your world, then you do have some personal work to do. A situation like that is not only dangerous for you; it’s also putting a great deal of undue pressure on the other person. You cannot make someone else completely responsible for greatness and joy in your life, but there are those that you can trust to maximize what you have cultivated.
Your World Enhancer, though is completely different- That is someone you don’t just need to keep around. That is someone that you need to encourage to continue be just that that—the one who enhances every great moment just by being. We should never miss the opportunity to tell them how much we appreciate their role in our lives. So today, take a moment to appreciate your World Enhancer. Let her/him know how they make your world so much better.
Who’s your World Enhancer? Does he/she know? J
What’s their opinion costing you?
Not long ago I found myself in a discussion with someone who was holding back from doing what she wanted for fear of what others may think. How many times have we all seen that? How many times have we DONE that? If you take some time to look around you’ll notice that not only are there people around you who are not pursuing their dreams and getting what they want from life, you may have at some point even been one of those. I know I have.
I talk a lot about my swimming adventures now, but two summers ago I would even look at water, so jumping in was definitely out of the question. Yes, I know I’m from an island. I could see the Atlantic from the front porch of my home in Haiti, but we don’t mess with water like that. Later on (late teens – early 20s) I did want to learn to swim, but the thought of how I would look a “grown woman” trying to swim did cross my mind. In fact so much that I delayed this pursuit a few times. The opportunity presented itself again a couple of years ago and I accepted a friend’s offer to teach me. One of my best decisions! I didn’t just find my new favorite form of complete workout; I also learned a potentially life-saving skill. I won’t lie, I’m still a Black woman and my hair plays a big part of deciding when and how often I swim, but everyday in the pool is a joy and a blessing.
My hang-ups about being a grown woman learning to swim may not have had great professional impacts, but still affected my life. The level of exercise I accomplish through an hour of swimming would take me a good two hours in the gym. A small but notable impact on my every day life. Unfortunately, for most people the impact is much greater. When you start thinking of people who are delaying going back to complete their schooling, making career moves that are not in line with what is expected of them. While delaying their personal advancements, they are frequently faced with a disgruntled existence. Some things may be going well, but that missing piece keeps the picture from being complete. Over time the void left by the missing piece seems to get bigger and the discontent that wraps around it has no choice but to grow along.
Earlier I watched a clip of a presentation by Abiola Abrams, where her message was “So What?” – encouraging her audience to stand up to their self-imposed limitations. That’s exactly what all of us need to learn to say about the opinions of others and the limitations we try to put on ourselves. These limitations give the individual permission to not do their best. The limitations become the crutches that justify not getting in the race even as the lone competitor.
The limitations that you place on yourself or allow others to place on you in the end are costing you a great deal, but having little if any effect on the external limiters. In most cases the individuals whose opinions you are concerned with are too busy focusing on their own issues to even have an opinion on what you are or aren’t doing. In the rare case that others are taking the time to form an opinion, your thought should be more on what part of their own growth are they neglecting to make time to criticize you?
You can’t waste your time worrying about people who are too busy getting their house in order to even be concerned with you. As you cower away, shielding yourself from their judgment, they will be more than occupied with experiencing their own growth, enjoying their own successes and living a life that you can now only wish for from your little corner of fear. These are not the type of people whose opinion you need to worry about, instead they are the people who you can take a hint from. Seeing how they go for their goals should be a source of inspiration not intimidation. They may be facing the same limitations you are, but having chosen to succeed they could not be bothered with limitations. Instead of worrying what they would think of you, focus on how you can get their help on your own journey. They may be too busy to judge you but they could still make time to help you. Quite often, learning from them does not even require more than observing their normal behaviors, which speak volumes.
And you should certainly not waste your time on those you fill their time in judgment of those working toward personal growth and achievement instead of doing the same. Chances are, if they were not just as concerned of what others may think of them, they would probably be out there making the same efforts as you. Once you have taken the first step of getting started, you are already ahead of them.
Like the lyrics from that old song say “haters gonna hate ballers gonna ball”. While all that is happening it will be up to you to decide where you fit in the picture. You can sit back and avoid having people judge you for daring to expand your horizons. At the end of the day you will be right where you started with them. You also always have the option of taking that leap and giving it your all. But at the end of that day even if you’ve not yet arrived, you will certainly be closer to your goal and probably a comfortable distance ahead of those who were too busy judging you to get started themselves.
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.DrJudiC.com
How to boost a man’s self esteem
Men’s sense of self is more often tied to abilities. They tend to be more into what they can do. Whereas a woman can get a quick boost from a personal compliment, for a man, a compliment about a skill or talent is likely to lead to that same boost quicker. Please don’t mistake this to mean that men are not in tune with their inner selves, because many of them are. Many men have gone through the process of exploring the depth of their souls and come to appreciate who they are greatly. For those men, being able to see, appreciate and acknowledge that inner peace and confidence in him can go a long way. Of-course that would in most cases require knowing this person on deeper level and taking time to see those innermost qualities.
There are a few on the surface things that can help. Making a man feel needed is one that is often a sure fire way to get there. Unfortunately, today’s independent women have been chipping away at this little tool. You pay your own bills, can change your own tires or call AAA, and you will hire someone to mow the lawn on the house that you bought. Every now and again, though it would not be so bad to let him help with some of the “manly stuff”, like the car or something with the house. You know you could take care of it, but it’s nice to have him do it for you and he relieves you of the pressure or responsibility of having to handle it. One less thing to worry about.
This brings me to my next point. When a man does something for you, whether it is because you could not do it or because you allowed him to help, be appreciative. People want to help, but no one wants to feel unappreciated. No matter how little or how big the deed, it’s important that he knows that his efforts are appreciated. Otherwise he has no incentive to want to help again, and you will both be denying him the opportunity to step up and do more of these things that should make him feel great.
Rewards are great at any age. The last thing I asked of a man, was to come tighten the lug nuts after I changed a tire. Do you think after he came to do this in the middle of his workday that I planned something special for him? You better believe it! He needs to know that he is appreciated. Sincerely telling him is one way, but it’s also nice to do things for him as well. And this does not mean going all out. It could be as simple as a special dinner that is planned with his preferences in mind. This is simple enough that it could be done for a friend or your man.
Treating a man special is something that is too often overlooked but is such a great tool. Many men will say that this is not their “thing”, but a spa day is such a great gift. The massage, the facial, the mani/pedi can all be tailored for the manly man (in my immaturity – I still laugh at the clear polish on the nails though). In today’s tougher economic time, it may not be as easy to afford the day at the spa, but providing all the services for him at home may work just as well.
Game day preparations are also a big hit for the sports aficionado. Whether you get everything ready and leave after you get his boys to come over, or it’s a party for two (if you’re WATCHING the game too); when you plan it with him in mind he will feel it.
Taking him to the game is one that can work with your man or any other male in your life. A day about him, where he is picked up (you do the driving no matter how far) and you take care of everything until you drop him home. When you go through the trouble of making a day about someone, that says “I think you are important”, and it validates this person’s place in your life. He will also be thinking “I must really be important for someone to go through all the trouble of planning a day for me”, and that will have a positive impact on his views of self as well. Everyone wants to feel that they matter.
Looks are important too. Just as a woman likes to hear that she’s beautiful when she gets all dolled up, and man will enjoy that too. Men also put forth the effort to smell nice, so when he does smell nice that should also be complimented. Smiles, teeth, eyes and whatever else comes up are also good targets for compliments as well. The catch to making the most impact with a compliment is to lead with it. When a person compliments you first, there is that rule of politeness that you feel the need to return the compliment. No matter how genuine the returned compliment is, sometimes it can feel less than heartfelt or you run the risk of the person thinking that you were just returning their compliment. When you lead with a compliment, there is not as much wiggle room for the interpretation of your intent – It’s a compliment.
During the harder times, things get a little tricky. For instance, in these economic times when there are many men who are unemployed. If yours is one of them it’ll be hard on both of you. To start, you may need a book of affirmations (I’m only partly joking with this one). If your man is at that stage he may need you now more than ever, because when he doubts, he needs you to believe in him. He needs to know that you are behind him no matter what. These are the times for the SILENT sacrifices; when you have to pass on something you want, and not complain about it. This is when you don’t go to the concert and plan a nice romantic evening at home instead. It will be hard to work the extra hours and then come home to look over his new cover letter, but your devotion will motivate him to keep trying.
It is true that actions do speak louder than words, but words can also be very powerful. As a therapist, when working with children who were aggressive and getting into fights, I remember teaching them this statement “hands are for helping, not for hurting”. They would memorize it and eventually we got to where they would say it either out loud or just think it when they were angry and wanted to hit someone. This technique took time but once mastered had a good success rate. Adults don’t get into the physical altercations as much but they can be hurtful with their words. Sometimes it is out of anger or just a purely unintentional slip, but once the words are out they cannot be put back in. The best measure is to place a filter between the thought and the verbalization.
Try this exercise that can be used with anyone in your life. When you get ready to say something take a moment to evaluate the potential impact of the words you are going to say. As you do this you will remind yourself “words are for helping, not for hurting”. If you find that the words you were ready to utter are not going to help the person, take a second to find a more positive response before you speak. Use words to empower him. If a man is down, the intent should always be to build him back up, not bring him further down. When a man is up, you can strive to help him get higher.
Five things you can do:
1. Tell him you believe in him.
2. Show and tell him that he is appreciated.
3. Acknowledge his successes.
4. Wish him well when he’s down, if you pray tell him you pray for him.
5. Remind him how great he is.
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.DrJudiC.com
Boost your Self-esteem – Nurture your talents
We’ve all heard the saying “if you don’t use it, you loose it”. In most cases that is not exactly true, but in some ways it may be. We all have great talents within us, but too often the demands of everyday life lead us to put them aside. As children, many of us had these great talents that we “outgrew” when we chose to follow more practical routes. The truth is more practical does not always mean better. Choosing the “practical” does not have to mean giving up on the enjoyable.
These talents provide many necessary parts of our lives that are often overlooked. By continuing to nurture a talent individuals also find an opportunity to experience personal growth and improve self-esteem.
The first is the opportunity for growth. As you nurture your talents the skill level will undoubtedly improve. This is not to say that by continuing to practice the piano everyone can become the next Mozart, rather that over time and with practice, they will play better. In order to do this, you have to find opportunities to continue developing your talents. If as a child you sung well, this may be you great talent that needs to be nurtured. Take the time to practice. Singing along with the radio can be great, but in most cases you would then be trying to sing with/like the artist you are singing along with and not developing your own voice and sound.
When lessons are possible and finances allow, take a lesson or two, to get the basics and add some structure. This will provide motivation to keep going. The better you get, the better you will feel. The better you feel, the more motivated you will be to work harder and get better. If you were a visual artist, the same principles will apply. Catch 22? Just little.
The point is, whatever that talent used to be that inspired you as a child, it could still have the same impact if you allow it. As you develop your talents, there is a level of growth that you will experience as you learn more about your craft and about yourself. This will boost confidence in your skills as well as capabilities. Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it makes better and provides more opportunities to learn and get even better at what you do. In that process you will also grow as you discover more about your abilities, great skills and learning styles and even what makes you tick or pleases you. What better way to uncover your learning styles could there be? Or even better, can you imagine all the other things you will achieve when you know the best way for you to learn? This can be helpful on a personal and professional level.
Continuing to grow in your craft will also lead to a continuation of personal growth. Without fail, personal growth is bound to lead to an increase in confidence and higher self-esteem. Wonder how it work?
Well, as you experience personal growth, you start to learn more about yourself and start to appreciate more of your greatness. You can discover some unique attributes that were previously hidden or ignored. The more good things you know about someone, the more you tend to like them… that goes for yourself too. Even if you were to discover some not so great things about you, as you are growing personally, you will be inclined to work on these potential blemishes, and even that will make you feel good.
Now let’s say by some fluke none of the above happened for you (though very unlikely). What then? Well then you would have had a ball trying. So either way you still win. So how about it? What hidden talent will you nurture?
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.DrJudiC.com
And now, the shameless plug to stay on http://www.blogsurfer.us … Gotta get that traffic.
The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People – Developing Habits
They say youth is wasted on the young. Some times I wonder about that statement. I purchased this book during my first semester of college, as a requirement for my First Year Seminar. I bought it like all my books at that time, because my scholarship provided funding for books. Luckily I’m a packrat with a lot of space so I was able to keep it all these years. I have gone through this book several times in recent years and continue to have some aha moments each time I pick it up. Today was the realization that I recognize something new each time I open it. As a college freshman I did not take full advantage of the opportunity that was before me, when I read it again later I was able to see the potential of these lessons.
The first and most important thing about these seven habits for me was that they were all for the most part internal. It’s all things that the individual could take charge of and achieving once they decided they wanted it. And of-course committed to it. Success behaviors, once they become a habit, are able to translate into the desired success. Stephen Covey defines habits as “the intersection of knowledge, skill and desire”. He continues to say “Creating a habit requires work in all three dimensions” (p. 47). This could not be more true, and this to is internally motivated.
Can I do this is different from I can do this. One of the primary differences is that one question and one asserts. This also means that with one statement opportunity is left for doubt to come in and potentially limit possibilities.
Desire is one of our greatest resources, and with enough desire the possibilities are endless. With a strong enough desire, knowledge and skill are attainable; although I am not sure how true the reverse will be. Many people can remember a time when there was something they really wanted and their parents were starting to implement the “if you want it you have to earn it”. Yes what a nightmare that was. But the more important memory should be of how far and how much you were willing to work to get it.
Developing a habit is a simple process, though not without difficulties. If there is the desire the other two components suddenly become more attainable. Desire is the drive that will push you to get things done. That is what will make you stay up to finish that last project or read the last page. This is the reason that when people seek success or financial freedom, it is best that they seek to use what they are passionate about to fuel this desire. What the passion will do is keep you interested.
Take for example the many Multilevel Marketing opportunities or Real Estate Books or CD packages that are available and tout financial freedom in no time. These programs are offered to everyone and encourage everyone to take advantage of these opportunities… Ever wondered why they work for some but not all as is promised… One of the reasons is the lack of passion. Unless they are truly passionate about that what they are doing. They are therefore not as motivated to go above and beyond and do what it takes. I started writing this but got caught up in other stuff, but the other day a friend gave me copy of an overview on CD. So this is my queue to finish the blog series I planned. So look forward to that in the coming days…
I’ll go though each habit. A reminder for those who read it and a taste for those who haven’t. I believe that these habits a have the potential to help people move mountains if they have a desire to get to the other side. As Keith Harell would say, let’s go from part-time Positive to full-time Positive.
Pardon the shameless plug… I’m tying to stay on http://www.blogsurfer.us … Gotta get that traffic.
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.DrJudiC.com
Self esteem boost – Easy as 1-2-3
Even the best of us can wake up having a bad day. Confidence can be shaken even if for a brief moment. When that happens, how the day and the circumstance are handled is key. That is why it is imperative that individuals have tools to help them generate a little self-esteem boost to help through these days. Walking with your head held high is not just a saying. It really does help you boost confidence –IF– you’re willing to let it. When your head is up you are able to connect with others and allow them to bring you positive energy.
Try this exercise one day… When you wake up and just feel like you’re not feeling your best. Walk into your closet and find something you know is just cute and sexy – not skanky – sexy. That will vary depending what you have to do that day. If you’re going to work or a business meeting a suit with the right umph; out and about maybe a nice casual ensemble; out in the night life – Do you! Once you get that, then go to the mirror and take a moment to admire your master piece. When you feel that you have a developed enough appreciation for the hotty before you, step out into the world with that picture in your mind.
The Spark
Sometimes you may not be completely satisfied with how you look. Of-course I will say DO something about it. But for the moment until you have completed that goal, there is ALWAYS something that you can appreciate. Your smile; your eyes; your nose; teeth – That’s your spark! I personally believe that God made us all and we are beautiful because God took the time, but I know that not everyone sees it that way and not everyone even believe in God. If you are one who does, I would recommend that when you are having trouble finding that one spark of hotness look hard, because God couldn’t get you all that wrong.
Once you have found that spark step into the world, and believe that each individual you encounter will be directed to your spark. I you appreciate that spart in you, they more than likely will too. So when you move, look to draw people’s attention to your spark. The way you do that is by capturing attention. If when you walk you’re looking down, any attention toward you will be guided in that direction. If you want the attention elsewhere you first have to get it, and you get it with eye contact in a smile.
How it works
Eye contact draws a person to you. Once you get them in that split second, if you don’t project discomfort, they a get a chance to extend the look from your eyes to the rest of you; and that’s when they get to notice what ever part of you that you showcased.
Pick your Spark
Although you may have some great assets to work with, it’s always important to carefully pick what you showcase. I’ve heard many women complain about guys who go for their cleavage and have to be reminded that their face was a little bit higher. That’s a topic for a different time. What you want to do is showcase an area that people will be comfortable complementing you on. If you showcase your smile, men and women may compliment you (if you’re female that is… Sorry guys, only women will dare). If you showcase your cleavage, many may look, but most will not be comfortable saying “hey nice cleavage”. For many women, that comment/“compliment” would not be accepted as such.
Think of the last time someone complimented you. Regardless of the your relationship with the person or lack there of, it made an impact. Whether big or small, compliments make us feel good. When a man walks into a room, and someone says “hey- did you just get a hair cut? Looks good!” That man gets a little ego boost. If he gets enough of these throughout the day, by the time he gets home that night, he may be a different man than he was when he left that morning.
If you come out in need of a compliment you need to create opportunities for compliments to come. That means give people the opportunity. There certain things that are no-nos ie: butt, cleavage, legs that people will be less comfortable to compliment. If that’s your asset and you feel good showcasing that, then you can and let that make you feel good. It just requires more effort on your part because you don’t get as much of the positive feedback, and some of the feedback you do get may not be desirable. Still you you have to know that there is more to you than just those attributes. Just the same, these are some attributes more likely to draw a compliment, ie: smile, eyes, hair (sometimes a nicely trimmed facial hair in men). These are easy and innocent compliments that people will not be too uncomfortable to share.
Finally, paying a compliment is another way to draw compliments. You say something nice about someone and they say something nice about you. That method is not a particular favorite, because if feels less genuine. Some people even have difficulty returning a compliment, because it can feel forced. It may not always be a best bet, but it works. One way that it works is that by extending a compliment to someone, you engage them and give them an opportunity to return one. My favorite way however, is that looking for good in others can help you see good in you. When you focus your energy on finding positive things to compliment others on, you are harnessing positive energy that will radiate through you. You may not even notice it happening. but that feeling starts to happen and you start to feel that positive energy and start feeling better for no apparent reason. Later on when you sit back, then you may realize how making someone else feel better helped you feel better.
When you’re having a rough day, you may not be in the mood to give positive energy, but if you can find a way to attract it to you, you can then reflect it. Then you will be able to attract more positive energy and before you know it change your moods, feelings and perceptions. Isn’t it nice to remember how powerful you are?
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.drjudic.com
Shout outs to the Real Men!!!
Yesterday we celebrated Father’s day. As the day approached I heard quite a few people talking about it. How they celebrate, who they celebrate and things like that. I also heard a few people talking about how some deadbeats have a tendency to surface around that time… trying to get some acknowledgement… AS IF!!! (Yes I know how ditzy that sounds, but that’s what came to mind).
Now that it’s Monday, in most cases the celebration of dad is over. The focus will now shift back to those who are not around. This does not just stay with the fathers. We do that all around. We focus the ones not doing the right things and not the ones standing tall and holding it down. When is CNN going to do a special on the dad who goes to work and comes home to his children and their mother every day? The brothers who stay in school and get those degrees? All the fellas who do the dang thing. I guess they’re too busy celebrating the guys dropping the ball.
It is believed that people would not watch it if they did a special on people doing the right thing. Wow… Do we really enjoy feeding on negativity that much? Personally, I’m a bit annoyed that they think we have nothing better to do than watch other’s pain. Then again, the rating folks probably can’t even tell when I turn off my TV. But my issue though is how do we give props to the men who do their manly things?
I know some great guys, sons, brothers, dads, husbands, friends, boyfriends. Just amazing men! I know that I’m not the only one who knows these guys. We all know a few, but for whatever reason they don’t get enough credit. Instead of making a big deal out of the guy who was up all night with his sick child, we focus on the one who was not there. Instead of the guy who rubs our tummy when it hurts, we hear of the one who doesn’t call.
As a child psychotherapist, I and many others I know in the field work with parents and teachers to get them to encourage positive behaviors. Make a big deal when a child does something great and not so much at their bad behaviors. This encourages the ones who are already doing well and motivates those who aren’t doing well to make changes because they want the attention. As much as society jokes about these ball dropping guys being like children who knows?
I’m not saying it’s gonna suddenly make every guy want to change or anything like that, but I want us to make a big deal of the good guys. Facebook, I challenge you to make a big deal of the good guys.
Some of my tops… My brothers – Didier, Ben, Bill, Yve… My cousins – Can’t name them all – Grandpa was a busy guy. DAS, Uncles, friends and other relatives… I am surrounded by great guys… You are too…
To all of you guys I dedicate Heather Headley’s He Is …
I’m shouting a few of them… add yours in the comments. Shout ‘em out on Faccebook with your comments!!!
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.drjudic.com
Best You Forward: Make the lasting impression that ends your unemployment
When we hear on the news how high the unemployment rate is it’s always troubling. We all wish there was something that we can do to help, and people in the job market are always seeking more tools to help them get an edge. DrJudiC Presents a series of teleseminars to help.
On Monday June 22, 2009 DrJudiC will present Best You Forward: Make the lasting impression that ends your unemployment. This event is free to fans of Living The Dream on Facebook and visitors of the Living The Dream website.
