Five (5) Easy Self Esteem Boosters #MHAM
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Identify the Negative message & reframe it
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Identify and show case your strengths
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Surround yourself with positivity
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Set achievable goals and reach them
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Use Affirmation
Also look at
Self esteem boost – Easy as 1-2-3
Boost your Self esteem – Nurture your talents
How to boost a man’s self esteem
#MHAM
Bullying… Before you interject
I’m not a bullying expert by any stretch of the word but I hold my own with trauma. As such I know a bit about the subject of bullying too because it is a very traumatizing act. In recent days bullying has come to light on a different scene and many people have offered various opinions which as a society we should be careful about.
Who bullies?
As much as people may want to think that bullying is a middle school or playground issue, it’s not. Maybe a few decades ago, it was primarily seen in school playgrounds and middle school cafeterias, but today it’s everywhere. That same child who started as a child bully on the playground goes on to continue it in middle school and high school and still doesn’t address his issues becomes the guy who thinks he can do the same on the job. The incidences of bullying may go down as people get older and become more mature, but while we all get older not all of use mature. Bullying happens everywhere. Sometimes it’s more overt. You can observe or experience it in any field at any level, because those kids from school get older and do become the coworkers that others have to deal with- Sometimes as a coworker and other times even as the boss.
It may take different forms at different stages of life but its impact is the same- It creates an unsafe and uncomfortable environment for the victim (According to the research even those who witness it often are negatively impacted). In school it’s easy to see the guy who beats up kids and steal their money as the bully. But just because the guy in your office is not knocking a colleague’s tray on the floor does not mean he’s not creating a hostile environment. Adult bullies often use subliminal threats and just kidding jokes which to a passerby may even seen like quick joke but to the victim does cause discomfort or fear. They don’t go for the meet me outside at 3 thing- but they can be physical in ways such as a supposed high five that is intended to hurt or what looks to be a pat on the back that you can her clear across the room. They have many ways to intimidate victims. The rule of them is the victim feels threatened then they are threatened.
But they were friends…
That’s not uncommon. In many cases the victim and perpetrator may have had what both or one of them perceived a genuine friendship. When the friendship ended and the perpetrator, probably feeling rejected or betrayed can turn to a negative campaign against the former friend. A former friend can be one of the worse kinds of bullies because over the course of their friendship with the victim they may have gained access to personal information that they can use to further their torments.
We should also not forget one of the most repeated advices that kids receive for dealing with being picked on- “act like it doesn’t bother”. Children are often encouraged to try to disarm or reduce the power of others behaviors by not showing how they are impacting them. It’s not unlikely that the victim at some point was there laughing at the jokes and acting like they were ok with that behavior. The goal was to disarm it, not endure it perpetually. When that first method did not work, they can and do have the right to directly demand that it stops. The fact that they once tried that initial failed method has no bearing on the fact that they are saying stop now. Even if everyone thought they were ok with the behavior, once the person openly states they want it to stop that is the end of it. It needs to stop and those in a position to help or empower them in making that happen should do that. An employer or school official who fails to do that and dismisses these as “normal part of development” or the “culture” is guilty of condoning them.
It’s just harmless fun?
Are you kidding? Way back when bullies were not as horrible as they are today they still posed a threat to the safety of their victims. Kids didn’t hand over their lunch money to be friends- they did because they were afraid of getting beat up. Today that is even worse- it’s not one ignorant individual threatening to beat you up at 3 it’s more pervasive because they have access to the victim far beyond the reach of the space they share. The victim is still subjected to the same behaviors that cause them fear 24/7. When you think of being able to get to them via mobile devices and social media. When you are making someone feel uncomfortable and unsafe for much of the days of their lives it’s not harmless. You are impacting that person’s quality of life. “Youth who are bullied are more likely to be depressed or anxious, have lower academic achievement, report feeling like they do not belong at school, have poorer social and emotional adjustment, greater difficulty making friends, poorer relationships with classmates, and greater loneliness” (Feldman Hertz, Donato & Wright 2013). In their study, Espelage and Holt (2012) found that in the six months prior 60% of bullying victims thought of killing themselves and 43% actually did try to hurt or kill themselves. Granted these studies were based on adolescents, but the general principals still apply. It may be my warped sense of humor, but I’m failing to see the harmless fun part.
Bullies have their own issues
That is very true. Pick any study on bullying and you will find that the perpetrators are battling some demons themselves. They often are victims of abuse (physical, emotional sexual or neglect). They generally feel disempowered and frequently have some serious self esteem issue. Their role as bully gives them power over someone. When they have an admiring audience, they get the admiration and affection that they are lacking. So it may seem that they are getting some of their own needs met but the manner is absolutely unacceptable. If we start to use this as an excuse then we may as well let out sexual predators with a bag of candy on the playground. After all, the research has shown that many of those predators were themselves victims. The point of this vile analogy is that someone being hurt is not an excuse to hurt others. When people are hurting we do need to give them all the help that we can, but accepting their imposing pain on others is not an option. If we were to allow such despicable explanation to have any validity instead of eradicating these issues we would be perpetuating them. That increases the likely hood that everyone of us would become more closely victimized by it.
What can you do?
Sometimes you do have someone who comes in and picks on another to gain favor among a group. It is true that they may pick up the intensity when they think they are getting to the victim because this tells them that they will be able to keep this up for a while. A couple jokes here and there may not be all that bad. But it the behavior persists, escalates or targets specific individuals it’s getting to the level of problematic.
If you are the victim of such situations there are a couple things you need to do
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Get support. Have someone that you can talk to. These situations are very stressful. Reach out to a parent, friend or peer. When necessary reach out to a mental health professional who can help with the stress.
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Document everything. From what they did to when you told them to stop. Because if you have to reach out to authority figures their first defense will be that they were just playing and you were in on the joke.
When you are ready to make the situation stop
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The first course of action is often to stand up to the perpetrator. Not in an iffy way but it also does not have to be rude. Be clear that you want the behavior to stop. This does not have to be public- it may even be best if done privately with the person so as not to put them on the spot which may make them feel the need to intensify to save face.
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If you’ve spoken with them privately and that did not work, them the next time the behavior is repeated then say something publicly. This builds support to the fact that you have asked them to stop.
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Everyone answers to someone- If it’s at school- report it to an administrator. At work go to Human Resources. If it’s not in a contained space then use other resources- if you need to get a restraining order to keep your neighbor from coming on to your property and harassing you then do that.
Generally people don’t want to start off involving authority fearing that things will get worse, but if they have not improved through more passive methods or direct personal approaches you have to do what is needed. Everyone has the right to feel safe in their environment. When the person infringes on that it’s not your job to worry about what happens to them… After all they are not exactly caring what they are doing to you.
References
Espelage, D.L., Holt, M.K. (2013) Suicidal ideation and school bullying experiences after controlling for depression and delinquency. Journal of Adolescent Health. pp. S27–S31
Feldman Hertz, M., Donato, I., Wright, J. (2013) Bullying and Suicide: A Public Health Approach. Journal of Adolescent Health pp. S1-S3
Does your World Enhancer Know?
Sometimes we have people in our lives who just make it feel like a better place. A more enjoyable place to be. It’s not that you did not have a fulfilling life before, it’s that they enhance the greatness that once was your life. Somewhere along the way, many of us have been told that we should not fully appreciate that.
I recall being on the receiving side of that conversation a friend advised me “you can’t let him know that”. I remember what went through my mind when she said “you never tell a man that stuff”. There was a bit of confusion there—The difference between someone who is your World Enhancer and the one who is your world. When someone is your world, you can feel that there is no life without that person. When the person is your World Enhancer you know there is life away from them. They even help you see how great life is independent of them. But you also know that no matter how great life is without them, it is even better with them. The air seems sweeter, music sounds nicer, the sun is warmer and the ocean is bluer. Why would it be such a bad thing that someone knows that they do this for you?
Many people struggle with this, especially the “independent woman”. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with someone being your World Enhancer. It takes nothing away from you, yet adds so much. You may not need them to meet your basic needs, but you know they play an important role in your life and that should be both welcomed and appreciated. If he makes you feel on top of the world- Tell him. He just may d it more often just because he knows you like it. Your world enhancer will not abuse that knowledge but will instead keep it as a reminder of a standard and appreciate the privilege. If you cannot trust them to do that, then you are not dealing with a World Enhancer. It’s up to you what your next decision will be, but you should know the difference.
You’re not looking for someone to be your world. If you find yourself in a relationship where the other person is your world, then you do have some personal work to do. A situation like that is not only dangerous for you; it’s also putting a great deal of undue pressure on the other person. You cannot make someone else completely responsible for greatness and joy in your life, but there are those that you can trust to maximize what you have cultivated.
Your World Enhancer, though is completely different- That is someone you don’t just need to keep around. That is someone that you need to encourage to continue be just that that—the one who enhances every great moment just by being. We should never miss the opportunity to tell them how much we appreciate their role in our lives. So today, take a moment to appreciate your World Enhancer. Let her/him know how they make your world so much better.
Who’s your World Enhancer? Does he/she know? J
How to boost a man’s self esteem
Men’s sense of self is more often tied to abilities. They tend to be more into what they can do. Whereas a woman can get a quick boost from a personal compliment, for a man, a compliment about a skill or talent is likely to lead to that same boost quicker. Please don’t mistake this to mean that men are not in tune with their inner selves, because many of them are. Many men have gone through the process of exploring the depth of their souls and come to appreciate who they are greatly. For those men, being able to see, appreciate and acknowledge that inner peace and confidence in him can go a long way. Of-course that would in most cases require knowing this person on deeper level and taking time to see those innermost qualities.
There are a few on the surface things that can help. Making a man feel needed is one that is often a sure fire way to get there. Unfortunately, today’s independent women have been chipping away at this little tool. You pay your own bills, can change your own tires or call AAA, and you will hire someone to mow the lawn on the house that you bought. Every now and again, though it would not be so bad to let him help with some of the “manly stuff”, like the car or something with the house. You know you could take care of it, but it’s nice to have him do it for you and he relieves you of the pressure or responsibility of having to handle it. One less thing to worry about.
This brings me to my next point. When a man does something for you, whether it is because you could not do it or because you allowed him to help, be appreciative. People want to help, but no one wants to feel unappreciated. No matter how little or how big the deed, it’s important that he knows that his efforts are appreciated. Otherwise he has no incentive to want to help again, and you will both be denying him the opportunity to step up and do more of these things that should make him feel great.
Rewards are great at any age. The last thing I asked of a man, was to come tighten the lug nuts after I changed a tire. Do you think after he came to do this in the middle of his workday that I planned something special for him? You better believe it! He needs to know that he is appreciated. Sincerely telling him is one way, but it’s also nice to do things for him as well. And this does not mean going all out. It could be as simple as a special dinner that is planned with his preferences in mind. This is simple enough that it could be done for a friend or your man.
Treating a man special is something that is too often overlooked but is such a great tool. Many men will say that this is not their “thing”, but a spa day is such a great gift. The massage, the facial, the mani/pedi can all be tailored for the manly man (in my immaturity – I still laugh at the clear polish on the nails though). In today’s tougher economic time, it may not be as easy to afford the day at the spa, but providing all the services for him at home may work just as well.
Game day preparations are also a big hit for the sports aficionado. Whether you get everything ready and leave after you get his boys to come over, or it’s a party for two (if you’re WATCHING the game too); when you plan it with him in mind he will feel it.
Taking him to the game is one that can work with your man or any other male in your life. A day about him, where he is picked up (you do the driving no matter how far) and you take care of everything until you drop him home. When you go through the trouble of making a day about someone, that says “I think you are important”, and it validates this person’s place in your life. He will also be thinking “I must really be important for someone to go through all the trouble of planning a day for me”, and that will have a positive impact on his views of self as well. Everyone wants to feel that they matter.
Looks are important too. Just as a woman likes to hear that she’s beautiful when she gets all dolled up, and man will enjoy that too. Men also put forth the effort to smell nice, so when he does smell nice that should also be complimented. Smiles, teeth, eyes and whatever else comes up are also good targets for compliments as well. The catch to making the most impact with a compliment is to lead with it. When a person compliments you first, there is that rule of politeness that you feel the need to return the compliment. No matter how genuine the returned compliment is, sometimes it can feel less than heartfelt or you run the risk of the person thinking that you were just returning their compliment. When you lead with a compliment, there is not as much wiggle room for the interpretation of your intent – It’s a compliment.
During the harder times, things get a little tricky. For instance, in these economic times when there are many men who are unemployed. If yours is one of them it’ll be hard on both of you. To start, you may need a book of affirmations (I’m only partly joking with this one). If your man is at that stage he may need you now more than ever, because when he doubts, he needs you to believe in him. He needs to know that you are behind him no matter what. These are the times for the SILENT sacrifices; when you have to pass on something you want, and not complain about it. This is when you don’t go to the concert and plan a nice romantic evening at home instead. It will be hard to work the extra hours and then come home to look over his new cover letter, but your devotion will motivate him to keep trying.
It is true that actions do speak louder than words, but words can also be very powerful. As a therapist, when working with children who were aggressive and getting into fights, I remember teaching them this statement “hands are for helping, not for hurting”. They would memorize it and eventually we got to where they would say it either out loud or just think it when they were angry and wanted to hit someone. This technique took time but once mastered had a good success rate. Adults don’t get into the physical altercations as much but they can be hurtful with their words. Sometimes it is out of anger or just a purely unintentional slip, but once the words are out they cannot be put back in. The best measure is to place a filter between the thought and the verbalization.
Try this exercise that can be used with anyone in your life. When you get ready to say something take a moment to evaluate the potential impact of the words you are going to say. As you do this you will remind yourself “words are for helping, not for hurting”. If you find that the words you were ready to utter are not going to help the person, take a second to find a more positive response before you speak. Use words to empower him. If a man is down, the intent should always be to build him back up, not bring him further down. When a man is up, you can strive to help him get higher.
Five things you can do:
1. Tell him you believe in him.
2. Show and tell him that he is appreciated.
3. Acknowledge his successes.
4. Wish him well when he’s down, if you pray tell him you pray for him.
5. Remind him how great he is.
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.DrJudiC.com
Boost your Self-esteem – Nurture your talents
We’ve all heard the saying “if you don’t use it, you loose it”. In most cases that is not exactly true, but in some ways it may be. We all have great talents within us, but too often the demands of everyday life lead us to put them aside. As children, many of us had these great talents that we “outgrew” when we chose to follow more practical routes. The truth is more practical does not always mean better. Choosing the “practical” does not have to mean giving up on the enjoyable.
These talents provide many necessary parts of our lives that are often overlooked. By continuing to nurture a talent individuals also find an opportunity to experience personal growth and improve self-esteem.
The first is the opportunity for growth. As you nurture your talents the skill level will undoubtedly improve. This is not to say that by continuing to practice the piano everyone can become the next Mozart, rather that over time and with practice, they will play better. In order to do this, you have to find opportunities to continue developing your talents. If as a child you sung well, this may be you great talent that needs to be nurtured. Take the time to practice. Singing along with the radio can be great, but in most cases you would then be trying to sing with/like the artist you are singing along with and not developing your own voice and sound.
When lessons are possible and finances allow, take a lesson or two, to get the basics and add some structure. This will provide motivation to keep going. The better you get, the better you will feel. The better you feel, the more motivated you will be to work harder and get better. If you were a visual artist, the same principles will apply. Catch 22? Just little.
The point is, whatever that talent used to be that inspired you as a child, it could still have the same impact if you allow it. As you develop your talents, there is a level of growth that you will experience as you learn more about your craft and about yourself. This will boost confidence in your skills as well as capabilities. Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it makes better and provides more opportunities to learn and get even better at what you do. In that process you will also grow as you discover more about your abilities, great skills and learning styles and even what makes you tick or pleases you. What better way to uncover your learning styles could there be? Or even better, can you imagine all the other things you will achieve when you know the best way for you to learn? This can be helpful on a personal and professional level.
Continuing to grow in your craft will also lead to a continuation of personal growth. Without fail, personal growth is bound to lead to an increase in confidence and higher self-esteem. Wonder how it work?
Well, as you experience personal growth, you start to learn more about yourself and start to appreciate more of your greatness. You can discover some unique attributes that were previously hidden or ignored. The more good things you know about someone, the more you tend to like them… that goes for yourself too. Even if you were to discover some not so great things about you, as you are growing personally, you will be inclined to work on these potential blemishes, and even that will make you feel good.
Now let’s say by some fluke none of the above happened for you (though very unlikely). What then? Well then you would have had a ball trying. So either way you still win. So how about it? What hidden talent will you nurture?
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.DrJudiC.com
And now, the shameless plug to stay on http://www.blogsurfer.us … Gotta get that traffic.
The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People – Developing Habits
They say youth is wasted on the young. Some times I wonder about that statement. I purchased this book during my first semester of college, as a requirement for my First Year Seminar. I bought it like all my books at that time, because my scholarship provided funding for books. Luckily I’m a packrat with a lot of space so I was able to keep it all these years. I have gone through this book several times in recent years and continue to have some aha moments each time I pick it up. Today was the realization that I recognize something new each time I open it. As a college freshman I did not take full advantage of the opportunity that was before me, when I read it again later I was able to see the potential of these lessons.
The first and most important thing about these seven habits for me was that they were all for the most part internal. It’s all things that the individual could take charge of and achieving once they decided they wanted it. And of-course committed to it. Success behaviors, once they become a habit, are able to translate into the desired success. Stephen Covey defines habits as “the intersection of knowledge, skill and desire”. He continues to say “Creating a habit requires work in all three dimensions” (p. 47). This could not be more true, and this to is internally motivated.
Can I do this is different from I can do this. One of the primary differences is that one question and one asserts. This also means that with one statement opportunity is left for doubt to come in and potentially limit possibilities.
Desire is one of our greatest resources, and with enough desire the possibilities are endless. With a strong enough desire, knowledge and skill are attainable; although I am not sure how true the reverse will be. Many people can remember a time when there was something they really wanted and their parents were starting to implement the “if you want it you have to earn it”. Yes what a nightmare that was. But the more important memory should be of how far and how much you were willing to work to get it.
Developing a habit is a simple process, though not without difficulties. If there is the desire the other two components suddenly become more attainable. Desire is the drive that will push you to get things done. That is what will make you stay up to finish that last project or read the last page. This is the reason that when people seek success or financial freedom, it is best that they seek to use what they are passionate about to fuel this desire. What the passion will do is keep you interested.
Take for example the many Multilevel Marketing opportunities or Real Estate Books or CD packages that are available and tout financial freedom in no time. These programs are offered to everyone and encourage everyone to take advantage of these opportunities… Ever wondered why they work for some but not all as is promised… One of the reasons is the lack of passion. Unless they are truly passionate about that what they are doing. They are therefore not as motivated to go above and beyond and do what it takes. I started writing this but got caught up in other stuff, but the other day a friend gave me copy of an overview on CD. So this is my queue to finish the blog series I planned. So look forward to that in the coming days…
I’ll go though each habit. A reminder for those who read it and a taste for those who haven’t. I believe that these habits a have the potential to help people move mountains if they have a desire to get to the other side. As Keith Harell would say, let’s go from part-time Positive to full-time Positive.
Pardon the shameless plug… I’m tying to stay on http://www.blogsurfer.us … Gotta get that traffic.
I’m just saying though…
Dream Big… Live Bigger…
DrJudiC
www.DrJudiC.com
