Living The Dream

Because You Only Live This Life Once

Bullying… Before you interject

November 11, 2013 at 12:39 pm Add a comment!

I’m not a bullying expert by any stretch of the word but I hold my own with trauma. As such I know a bit about the subject of bullying too because it is a very traumatizing act. In recent days bullying has come to light on a different scene and many people have offered various opinions which as a society we should be careful about.

Who bullies?

As much as people may want to think that bullying is a middle school or playground issue, it’s not. Maybe a few decades ago, it was primarily seen in school playgrounds and middle school cafeterias, but today it’s everywhere. That same child who started as a child bully on the playground goes on to continue it in middle school and high school and still doesn’t address his issues becomes the guy who thinks he can do the same on the job. The incidences of bullying may go down as people get older and become more mature, but while we all get older not all of use mature. Bullying happens everywhere. Sometimes it’s more overt. You can observe or experience it in any field at any level, because those kids from school get older and do become the coworkers that others have to deal with- Sometimes as a coworker and other times even as the boss.

It may take different forms at different stages of life but its impact is the same- It creates an unsafe and uncomfortable environment for the victim (According to the research even those who witness it often are negatively impacted). In school it’s easy to see the guy who beats up kids and steal their money as the bully. But just because the guy in your office is not knocking a colleague’s tray on the floor does not mean he’s not creating a hostile environment. Adult bullies often use subliminal threats and just kidding jokes which to a passerby may even seen like quick joke but to the victim does cause discomfort or fear. They don’t go for the meet me outside at 3 thing- but they can be physical in ways such as a supposed high five that is intended to hurt or what looks to be a pat on the back that you can her clear across the room. They have many ways to intimidate victims. The rule of them is the victim feels threatened then they are threatened.

 

But they were friends…

That’s not uncommon. In many cases the victim and perpetrator may have had what both or one of them perceived a genuine friendship. When the friendship ended and the perpetrator, probably feeling rejected or betrayed can turn to a negative campaign against the former friend. A former friend can be one of the worse kinds of bullies because over the course of their friendship with the victim they may have gained access to personal information that they can use to further their torments.

We should also not forget one of the most repeated advices that kids receive for dealing with being picked on- “act like it doesn’t bother”. Children are often encouraged to try to disarm or reduce the power of others behaviors by not showing how they are impacting them. It’s not unlikely that the victim at some point was there laughing at the jokes and acting like they were ok with that behavior. The goal was to disarm it, not endure it perpetually. When that first method did not work, they can and do have the right to directly demand that it stops. The fact that they once tried that initial failed method has no bearing on the fact that they are saying stop now. Even if everyone thought they were ok with the behavior, once the person openly states they want it to stop that is the end of it. It needs to stop and those in a position to help or empower them in making that happen should do that. An employer or school official who fails to do that and dismisses these as “normal part of development” or the “culture” is guilty of condoning them.

It’s just harmless fun?

Are you kidding? Way back when bullies were not as horrible as they are today they still posed a threat to the safety of their victims. Kids didn’t hand over their lunch money to be friends- they did because they were afraid of getting beat up. Today that is even worse- it’s not one ignorant individual threatening to beat you up at 3 it’s more pervasive because they have access to the victim far beyond the reach of the space they share. The victim is still subjected to the same behaviors that cause them fear 24/7. When you think of being able to get to them via mobile devices and social media. When you are making someone feel uncomfortable and unsafe for much of the days of their lives it’s not harmless. You are impacting that person’s quality of life. “Youth who are bullied are more likely to be depressed or anxious, have lower academic achievement, report feeling like they do not belong at school, have poorer social and emotional adjustment, greater difficulty making friends, poorer relationships with classmates, and greater loneliness” (Feldman Hertz, Donato & Wright 2013). In their study, Espelage and Holt (2012) found that in the six months prior 60% of bullying victims thought of killing themselves and 43% actually did try to hurt or kill themselves. Granted these studies were based on adolescents, but the general principals still apply. It may be my warped sense of humor, but I’m failing to see the harmless fun part.

Bullies have their own issues

That is very true. Pick any study on bullying and you will find that the perpetrators are battling some demons themselves. They often are victims of abuse (physical, emotional sexual or neglect). They generally feel disempowered and frequently have some serious self esteem issue. Their role as bully gives them power over someone. When they have an admiring audience, they get the admiration and affection that they are lacking. So it may seem that they are getting some of their own needs met but the manner is absolutely unacceptable. If we start to use this as an excuse then we may as well let out sexual predators with a bag of candy on the playground. After all, the research has shown that many of those predators were themselves victims. The point of this vile analogy is that someone being hurt is not an excuse to hurt others. When people are hurting we do need to give them all the help that we can, but accepting their imposing pain on others is not an option. If we were to allow such despicable explanation to have any validity instead of eradicating these issues we would be perpetuating them. That increases the likely hood that everyone of us would become more closely victimized by it.

What can you do?

Sometimes you do have someone who comes in and picks on another to gain favor among a group. It is true that they may pick up the intensity when they think they are getting to the victim because this tells them that they will be able to keep this up for a while. A couple jokes here and there may not be all that bad. But it the behavior persists, escalates or targets specific individuals it’s getting to the level of problematic.

If you are the victim of such situations there are a couple things you need to do

  • Get support. Have someone that you can talk to. These situations are very stressful. Reach out to a parent, friend or peer. When necessary reach out to a mental health professional who can help with the stress.

  • Document everything. From what they did to when you told them to stop. Because if you have to reach out to authority figures their first defense will be that they were just playing and you were in on the joke.

When you are ready to make the situation stop

  • The first course of action is often to stand up to the perpetrator. Not in an iffy way but it also does not have to be rude. Be clear that you want the behavior to stop. This does not have to be public- it may even be best if done privately with the person so as not to put them on the spot which may make them feel the need to intensify to save face.

  • If you’ve spoken with them privately and that did not work, them the next time the behavior is repeated then say something publicly. This builds support to the fact that you have asked them to stop.

  • Everyone answers to someone- If it’s at school- report it to an administrator. At work go to Human Resources. If it’s not in a contained space then use other resources- if you need to get a restraining order to keep your neighbor from coming on to your property and harassing you then do that.

Generally people don’t want to start off involving authority fearing that things will get worse, but if they have not improved through more passive methods or direct personal approaches you have to do what is needed. Everyone has the right to feel safe in their environment. When the person infringes on that it’s not your job to worry about what happens to them… After all they are not exactly caring what they are doing to you.

images

 

References

Espelage, D.L., Holt, M.K. (2013) Suicidal ideation and school bullying experiences after controlling for depression and delinquency. Journal of Adolescent Health. pp. S27–S31

Feldman Hertz, M., Donato, I., Wright, J. (2013) Bullying and Suicide: A Public Health Approach. Journal of Adolescent Health pp. S1-S3

Never Make Sacrifices For Your Goal

November 4, 2013 at 7:03 pm Add a comment!

When you hear someone say you should not make sacrifices for your goal you probably wonder if that person really knows what it takes to reach a goal. We have been conditioned that sacrifices have to be made in order to be able to reach goals and get the things that we want. It is true, sacrifices are a part of life and sometimes we do have to make them, but when it comes to your goals, don’t make sacrifices.

The word sacrifice has long been associated with the giving up of something that is desired. When you make a sacrifice, you give up something that you want and don’t want to give up. When people think of giving up the things they want there is a bit of resistance that comes with that. People don’t want to give up the things they treasure, things they’ve worked hard for or that have been with them through the years. We like our stuff. We like our norm and comforts. When asked to “give up” these, the resistance that ensues makes sense. It takes a bit more thinking about and negotiating. Most people would want try to find an alternative that allows them get what they want without giving up anything- and valuable resources are invested in that pursuit.

The truth of it is that you are making way for something that you want even more. Remember the last time you were excited about a new gadget or something like that? We see it all the time. People line up for hours or even days to get their hands on newer and better. Many times, it is not so much because the older model was bad, just that the newer model was more desirable to them. That is the same thought that should be applied when working toward your goal. Your goal is like that new shinny gadget you’re looking to upgrade to. Your present is last year’s model. It may still work, but because you want more, you upgrade.

When you make a sacrifice, that sense of loss can stand in the way of moving forward. Whether it is in time spent morning what was given up or too often the self sabotage that can result from the guilt over that decision, sacrificing is just not the best feeling in the world. Upgrades on the other hand are exciting. People look forward to them. There is no feeling of loss associated with upgrades because the focus is on what has been gained. You are trading in parts of your past for the future you desire.  There may be fond memories associated with that pass and you will take them with you. You will continue to treasure them and smile big when they cross your mind. That’s the great thing about memories you don’t have to keep the past to be able to enjoy the great moments they brought.

It’s time to give up this notion of giving up. Of sacrificing. You’re not giving up something you cherish. You are gaining something you desire. You are upgrading. You are going after something that you find more desirable. Something that you want. Even more than what you will be trading in to get that one thing. Call it what it is- It’s an upgrade: An exchange of something you have for something you desire. In the pursuit of your goal that is the only acceptable move- You upgrade. Don’t make sacrifices. You should not have to give up the things that you want. Gladly trade them in foe the things you want. As nice as it may have been to trade-in you old car or gadget to upgrade to something nicer, making a trade toward upgrading your future is even better. Make the change. Give up sacrificing and take on upgrading.

I’m just saying though

Dream Big… Live Bigger…

DrJudiC