Find out what the catalyst to infidelity was- Was there an unmet need or is the person not ready for a monogamous relationship?
Take time to process and experience your feelings and then express them- Don’t throw yourself into action and ignore what you are feeling.
Determine what it will take to make you feel safe and trusting in that relationship again.
Decide what you as a couple are prepared to do to repair your relationship.
Make a joint decision on the future of your relationship.
Many of us struggle with the morning drag, but there are some things that you can do to help you beat it. Here are five of them.
Give yourself reason to need to get up– Set alarms away from the bed or drink a little water at night. When your eyes open you need a reason to have to get out of that bed.
Make your bed when your feet touch the floor– Start making the bed as you are getting up.
Have a theme song and play it loud– It can even be one of you alarm. That song needs to start within a minute of your waking up and have it repeat. Don’t give yourself time to even think about the warmth of that bed.
Let the day in– Let light into the room. Open blinds, open windows, open doors. Make your room look and feel like the day has begun.
Start your morning routine immediately– Once you start moving don’t stop until you are done- Bathroom -> Breakfast -> Get dressed… Just keep on moving
We often hear about the emotional affair, but another one gradually making its way into the mix is the social media affair. It may not necessarily mean that you are going to connect offline to do more than chat, but getting too involved online can and often do cause real life relationship issues. There are times that the person involved may believe that they were not doing anything wrong, but if they only thought about it, they may have noticed that something was afoot. Before you fing your own relationship in trouble here are a few things to keep in mind.
Adding friends that you would not have offline or that your spouse would not agree with?
Most people on social media do have some friends that they would only connect with online. It’s when you start having that special friend that you know you would not keep offline or that your spouse can’t know you are chatting with that you start falling into that danger zone.
Sharing things that you would not share offline?
It never fails that someone sends an image that ends up where it wasn’t supposed to and then the problems start. Anything that is too private to reveal in person is too private for your message box. If you were going to share some “For Your Eyes Only” type images, they should only be with your spouse. Given the nature of privacy on the web just don’t do it at all.
Meeting up in private chats at odd hours?
When you start getting into private chats people that you are looking forward to a little bit too much, or chats that have to take place at certain odd hours of the night you really need to look at what you are doing.
Having discussions you wouldn’t want your spouse to know about? With someone you don’t want them to know about?
People get very comfortable and open behind the safety of a screen. That distance allows people to say things that they may not be able to say with another pair of eyes looking directly at them. If conversations are getting too personal – you may want to start pumping the brakes.
Are you having relationships that make you feel guilty, sneaky or different about your spouse?
If you are thinking or feeling guilty or like you may be doing something wrong, chances are—you are doing something. It may have started out innocently, but once you get to that point where you are wondering or questioning, you have probably crossed a line that could be damaging to your relationship.
Many of these behaviors could be innocent enough to be explained away, but what really becomes the issue is the perception of your spouse. You may say or even believe that your actions are above board, but if your spouse feels that there is an issue, then at that moment there is an issue even if there wasn’t one before. Be conscious of who and what matters to you and take care of them. Your actions online can and very often do have real life consequences.
It is true that social media is a big part of life today. You have to be careful not to allow it to seep into places where it does not belong. Many couples find themselves in relationship troubles because they failed to set limitation. Here are a few things you can do to Social Media Proof Your Relationship.
Respect your relationship and your spouse – Even online you still are in a relationship despite what your relationship status my read. Carry yourself as such. Even when it is easier to do certain things behind the safety of an electronic screen, you should still carry yourself as someone’s spouse just as you do offline. If you wouldn’t do it offline probably shouldn’t do it online.
Do not vent about, criticize, or chastise your spouse on social media– Don’t put your partner on blast like that. Don’t embarrass or bring them shame online. That type of shaming spreads wider and you are less able to take it back. Even if you apologize when you calm down, you still have all those people who know about it- including your primary victim
Avoid living your relationship online– When you tell every little good thing in your relationship, people will be able to tell when things aren’t as hot because you are not posting. That lets people in on your weak spots. You are also allowing people to be involved in parts of your life that should be private. It can also let someone who’s been waiting know that the time to temp has come- maybe for you or your spouse.
Avoid comparing your actual relationship to what you see online. Remember, social media is the poor man’s reality show. People are posting mostly things that make them look better. The posts are more a highlights than actual reality. You don’t know the back stories behind these highlights. You don’t know the sacrifices that are made or what is endured in order to arrive these brief envy-producing moments.
Do not share things about your relationship that your spouse is not comfortable sharing. That is part of respecting your partner. When you are in a relationship it’s no longer just your privacy. Where your lives intersect your privacy becomes shared. If the there is something your partner does ot want shared with others, you should respect that.
Identify the Negative message & reframe it
Identify and show case your strengths
Surround yourself with positivity
Set achievable goals and reach them
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If fear didn’t hold you back, how far would you go?
Many of us experience some fear at times. Experiencing fear is a normal part of the human experience. Fear is a good thing. It makes people think twice. It gives reason to pause and evaluate situations before acting. What makes the difference is not in whether or not you experience fear, rather how you use the fear when it presents. Conquering fear is something that must be done by everyone in order to insure that their goals are realized.
Face it– You can’t fight an enemy that you are denying exists. Acknowledge that there is a issue and that/ ho it is impacting your life. Do some research and soul searching to determine where the whole thing came from. That may help you realize where the whole thing started and give you a starting point for undoing the damage.
Educate yourself on the true reality. This is a way of confronting the fear. Get to know that which you are afraid of. The monster in the closet seems a lot less scary once you know that it’s just your shirt falling off the hanger. When we take the time to explore things and really get to know them, we find that they are usually not as scary as we make them out to be. Even when something may still present some danger, the level that we can make them out to be is often substantially higher than what they actually are.
Adjust your environment to help you cope as you make the transition. Adjustments can be very basic. They simply need to be things that help make the transition more manageable. If you have an issue with public speaking, a simple adjustment can be bringing someone with you who makes you comfortable, that way when you look out in the audience and see them smile you remember to relax. It can be as simple as bringing a picture with you that will serve as a reminder when you see
Reality shaping is the process of creating the life that you want. You can have all these ideas and things that you want, but fitting them into your reality requires that you face some of the things that have kept you from being able to attain them. As you do that one of the things that you will need to look at the things that you will be able to achieve once you conquer your fears. This in a way is drawing the image that can be used as a motivator. In Attitude Adjustment I talk about designing a road map or blueprint to your goals and having the cover image be your desired destination. In reality shaping you are doing the same thing- Painting a picture of the things that you will do when you are no longer being held back by fear.
Strength building helps you through the moments of doubt. You start with your existing strengths that are used to reinforce your ability to indeed go forth and defeat your fears. As you progress, your strengths will increase. Each step you take forward will be confirmation something else you are capable of. Hold on to these moments and keep them in your toolbox. When you come to moments of doubt, reach in and see those steps that you have been able to take and recapture the strength that helped you get there and will help you make your next step.
Stress management is necessary for maintaining one’s quality of life, but because “stress” is not always a visible, tangible or calculable item that can be pointed to on an imaging screen or shown on a lab result sheet, it is often over looked. Many people talk about stress but don’t actively engage in stress management. What people often neglect is the fact that failing to effectively manage stress can lead to some of the physical ailments that they will be able to see, measure and test for, such as ulcers and high blood pressure. It is also true that while “stress” is often talked about methods of managing it are not as often addressed as stress is often considered and accepted as “a part of life”. While that may be true, there are some things that can be done to reduce and manage stress, including the following:
Exercise and Eat Well
Exercising is a great way to release tension. You can exercise to relax before things get out to hand, or if you are already feeling overwhelmed, exercising can help you release some of that pressure and give you an endorphin boost to help you get to the next step. Eating well is just as important as it provides your body with the necessary fuel to get through all that you are putting it through. It is not enough to eat to fill your stomach. Eating is about more than hunger prevention- it is the mechanism through which you support your body. Your car would stay up just fine perched up on four bricks, but I’m sure you prefer to have sitting on four tires when you park it, that way it is ready to go when you set off to your next destination. The same should apply to your body. Feed it right consistently so that it is ready to go handle your next challenge.
Plan and Time Management
One of the greatest benefits of planning is that it allows you to in some way foresee what is to come. That gives you the opportunity to anticipate roadblocks and hiccups and put resources in place to address them. Planning helps you to manage your time more effectively and provide the opportunity to see and choose how you are investing your time.
Delegate and Get Help
Make use of the resources available to you. There are others around who can and will take on some of the load and at time may do so even more efficiently. Take the opportunity to enlist them. When you delegate, you remove things from your plate allowing you time to focus on the things that you really do have to do. Having more to do than you have time for is another frequent source of stress. The pressure experience in trying to get it all done and feeling pressed for time can be easily managed by allow others to do their part. Many people feel the need to do it all so that it is done “their way” but you must also remember that your way is not necessarily the only way. There is a great need to make the shift from focusing on your way and to allowing simply a correct way to provide. The goal should be to have things done right, and that means accepting that there may be more than one way (your way) of doing something. Give others the opportunity to do something their way and get it right too.
Prioritize and Pick Your Battles
Prioritize. Not just the things that you have to do but even more importantly, the things that you give your attention to. Be stingy with your mental space and emotions. Don’t just let anything and anyone in. This is one of the places that people waste most, by giving their time, attention and emotion to things that really do not matter. If a situation does not take away from you or would not possibly bring you a benefit, it may not be necessary for you to engage. The stress brought on by things that would not have affected our lives if we chose not to engage is completely avoidable. In life you will have more than your fair share of unavoidable stress, and it is up to you to keep your stress tank from over-flowing by not allowing the avoidable stresses to linger in.
Speak Up and Talk To Someone
When a situation directly (or even indirectly but actually) affects your life, it is important to speak up and do so in a timely manner. Not speaking up doe s not make the issue go away. It simply gives it time to simmer inside you.
Managing stress effectively should create an opportunity for you to have more time to dedicate to life affirming activities. It does not matter what it is that you are doing, it simply matters that you are doing something. Engage in activities that remind you of how great life is. Take time to create and savor beautiful moments. It does not matter how much you do in your everyday life if you are not enjoying your life. Managing stress effectively helps you create opportunities to enjoy your life, so make stress management a priority.
Communication is one of the most common issues reported by couples who present for counseling or are experiencing relationship issues. While many people do a great job learning and developing their communication skills in times of tension, they have a tendency to forget to uses great new skills. In moments of calmness people have time to think and make conscious decisions and efforts to do what is in the best interest of their relationships. When people are upset, the tendency then is to turn to what they know and are comfortable with. Very often that is off-the-cuff speech and actions that at too often more intent on inflicting hurt or retaliating. At the very least, these methods are intended to have the speaker be heard, or make a point, not giving much attention to hearing the other person and nurturing/repairing the relationship.
Still, it’s hard to blame the individual since most of the development of communication skills is focused around everyday conversation and not as much on communicating in tense situations.
Use soft tones- When conversations get tense that tension is often reflected in voice tones- They get dryer, and may be elevated- Even if your partner gets to that point make a conscious effort to speak calmly. Your calmer tone encourages your partner to come back down. When one person raises their voice the tendency of the other person is to do the same, thus leading to a test of the wills. When one person intentionally keeps calm it takes some time and greater effort but it can have the same impact of causing the other person to lower their voice.
Stay in close proximity and maintain eye contact (that’s provided that it is safe to do so and they are not throwing and hitting things). When you speak with a partner no matter how tough the situation, continue to remind yourself that this is a person you love- this helps you be able to see them positively even when you are angry at them. When you look into their eyes as you speak, you want to relay that caring- Your words will say that yes you mean business but the gentle way you look at them will remind them that despite the situation you still care. Again, provided that it is safe, use soothing touches. Gentle touches such as touching or holding the person’s hand, softly touching their arm- if you know your partner’s personal weak spot- a place they like to be touched- not in a sexual way, use that.
Acknowledge the person and the issues. Allow the person to speak, and actually listen to them. Validate what they have to say. Not everything needs an explanation, and you don’t have to agree with them to acknowledging what someone has to say. It’s ok to let your partner know that you hear them. When a person feels heard, they are more amenable to a lot of. They will be more apt to listen to you or be more open to working something out.
Use carefully selected words to state your piece or make your point. Employ the use of I The word you can often have an accusatory tone that quickly sends people into defense mode. When you start a sentence the other party quickly gets the message that they are about to be blamed or held responsible for something. The normal reaction to that feeling is to mount a defense –This is not my fault or This is why this happened-. While this is happening, the person pretty much stops listening to the speaker When you need to address your partner’s actions or words, use I Statements “I feel______ when you_______. It would help me more if you______.” That way you are not accusing them but simply acknowledging your own issues with something.
Accept responsibility for your own parts in issue and be willing to verbalize it. A disagreement involves at least two people. While one person may have been the primary agitator it is very likely that other parties involved also played a part. Be willing to take responsibility for the role you played in the issue and more importantly be prepared to make amends for and rectify your contribution to the issue. This reassures your partner that you are going to be a part of the solution as well. It says that you are in to fix the issue, not just pass blame.
Doing these 5 simple things will help you communicate more effectively during times of tension and increase your chances of actually resolving disagreements. Remember, when two people are yelling no one is listening, and if there is no listener there is no communication and nothing can get resolved. Your relationship with your partner is one of the most important relationships in your life. It is also one of the most fragile. Maintaining and protecting it takes conscious thought and action.
A relationship is a growing living unit. It is constantly evolving and adjusting to the people in it even if the subtle daily changes go unnoticed- as they often do. What we look at the relationship changing is often largely the individuals in the relationship having changed. We grow in change every day, but over the years these subtle unnoticeable changes culminate into major differences. The needs of the individuals in the relationship evolve as they grow from where each of them were at the time that they met to who they are in the present and will be in the future. This is why it is so important for couples to continue to stay in touch with each other- so that as they grow they are growing together.
You have to keep the romance. Keep the spice in the relationship. As couples get into the comfort of everyday life it’s easier for that romantic feeling to be set aside. While the comfort of the relationship is nice, the need to feel that excitement and affection that is experienced in the earlier days is still there. Individuals who are not in long term relationships can experience that elevated high each time they meet a new person, but a person in a long term relationship does not have the excitement of the first dates and first kisses to look forward to. Their highs (and lows) are more level and steady, which makes it more important that there is constant infusion of these higher points. Doing so also helps with reducing the need to look for this elsewhere.
Dating your spouse (future spouse, significant other, whatever you call eachother) is important at every stage of the relationship. At the beginning you are dating and getting to know and falling for each other. Every year as you each grow you still need to do this to stay on that same trajectory. By the time you have been together for a good while (7-10 years) you have two people who are significantly different from the two who met, making it critical at this time that you really focus on knowing and loving each other as your new selves. When kids enter the picture it becomes easier couples to drift apart while seaming connected as the children become the rubber band that is keeping them connected as they drift. This is one reason that so many couples find themselves separating in their empty-nesting stage.
1. Be deliberate about it.
Date nights keep things exciting, especially after children enter the picture. Many couples find themselves in situations where it’s always about the kids or something to do with t hem. Date night gives them an opportunity to intentionally leave the children out. When this is not planned and things come up the couple gets set aside. When it is planned, arrange for all the things that can come up to make sure you have that time for and with each other. While date night can culminate with sex, because it is often more difficult to set a time to really go out on a date I recommend that couples set intimacy schedule as well, which will likely be more frequent than actual date nights. It’s great for busy couples who often find themselves too tired by the end of the day. Whether a couple is doing well or they are experiencing relationship issues I still recommend it as part of setting aside time for each other. Since people respond more effectively to things that are in writing, be sure to add these to your calendar. So having couple time on the calendar ensures that it is added to the priority list and gets taken care of. Ideally the couple would determine how many times they want to intimate, and identify the ideal days and times to make this happen. In addition to scheduling it in their calendar, they will also be doing things throughout the day that will make that portion of the day better. Couples who have done this have noticed that they make more efforts to nurture their relationship. Couples who have done this have found that their partners dress sexier, are more affectionate, and do more cozy little things on intimacy days. In a way, they are setting the mood and end up making the day itself a form of foreplay. Couples have that to look forward to together, as opposed to one person hoping that tonight will be the night and then falling asleep disappointed. It should not kill the romance because the goal is to increase the romance. Couples can do things throughout the day that build up the romance. Even when there is a schedule in place, moments of spontaneity should not be ignored. Just because you have scheduled 2 intimacy nights a week, if an opportunity presents on a different afternoon, you can still take advantage of that. If the kids are out and the moment feels right- go for it! That can be a bonus, but not a replacement of one of the scheduled days.
2. Plan Your Dates & Prioritize Your Dates
Whether you plan them together or take turns planning for each other, make sure you plan activities for your dates. Having a plan prevents lull and confusion that could come up when you set the time and don’t know what to do with it. Plan things that are fun and new. Thing such as ice skating in a park, a gallery opening or even backyard camping for a night. Your dates don’t need to be things that are costly- you can plan simple and free things that you will enjoy. A day at the beach, evening in the park- anything will work as long as you both enjoy it. You can also look at your community calendars for ideas and events that are going on nearby that you can partake in.
Planning also helps keep your date a priority. Many couples schedule dates but still allow life to get in the way. Once a date is scheduled, add it to your calendar just like you do all other important appointments. Mark the time unavailable just as you would if it was a meeting with your boss or your biggest client. Scheduled dates should only be missed in case of a true emergency- Like Johnny’s in the hospital- not Johnny got a booboo. When a scheduled date has to be missed, it should be rescheduled right away. Treat the time and commitment to your relationship with the same high level of importance that is placed on your most important career or other responsibilities.
3. Be Fully present
When you are on a date, it’s important that you leave the kids behind mentally as well. That means that they should not be all that is talked about. This is a time to focus on each other and your relationship. Issues involving the kids should be addressed when you are at home. Set aside time to have those discussions and come up with solutions. Where there are differences, I recommend not taking the conversation to the bedroom so as to not bring tension into that sacred space. You can still talk after the children go to bed- just pick a different part of the home.
Set phones and other gadgets aside. If you have children at home you can set a signal that will let you know that there is an emergency (ie: call 2 times back to back) that way if you hear your phone vibrating you don’t have to check it every time. Be sure to clarify what constitutes an emergency such as after you call 911, and discourage the constant calling for things that can wait until you get home.
4. Appreciate & Express It
When you enter a relationship and get comfortable, people have a tendency to switch to expectation mode, where you may see some of the things that your spouse does as part of the deal. You may say thank you, but you don’t make as big a deal about it anymore because it’s part of their duties. Go back to that time at the beginning when you called your new sweetie the next day to thank them for how good last night was.
Don’t just say the rote “I love you”. Take care to notice and pay specific compliments. Remember how you responded when she opened the door when you picked her up for a date? Or maybe the way you looked at him when he took his shirt off? You need to remind your partner that you still see and feel some of these things- even if there are a few more curves or bulges which can make that need even greater.
5. Court and Flirt
Do the things that say “I think you’re hot”. Remember way back when men and women used to take time to write loving letters to each other. As long as the mail system still works those little things are still grate options. Send a love letter to your mate and just hide in a corner to see the facial expressions that come as your letter is read. It’s worth much more than the 49₵ stamp- It’s priceless. Pick a flower outside or pick up a card while at the store. These little things go a long way. Take time to flirt. Your spouse has no more first dates or first kisses to look forward to, but you can give a little taste of it. Now there are other options that can add to playful flirtation with your mate. E-mails that pop up on the phone in the middle of the day. Flirtext, a cleaner version of sexting where you can talk about some “grown folk stuff” but not so racy that if your phone got lost you’d be panicking. Rated PG to maybe even a little R but this should ONLY be ON PERSONAL PHONES. DO NOT SEND THESE MESSAGES TO COMPANY ISSUED PHONES.
Spontaneous moments like an unexpected lunch date or meeting up after work to ride home together are also nice. The key maintaining lasting relationships is to treat your life together as though you are looking you have your spouse to say yes again.
Being a caregiver or part of a support network for someone with a mental illness can be difficult at times. While the focus is usually on the identified patient, the caregivers and support networks also have their own needs for resources which should be addressed. Taking care of oneself is as important as taking care of others.
Unlike the flue or a fever, people don’t generally wake up one morning with a full blown mental illness. Symptoms of mental illness have a way of gradually working their way into the person’s life. The illness may not be noticeable at first, and even when it becomes so, many people are not ready to accept it. Still and especially in those beginning stages, a strong support systems is important. Even when the person is very likely to withdraw or push others away, this is a time that they truly need a strong support system and the resilience and commitment in family and friends really count so they can be there.
While we are still working on learning the cause of most mental illnesses, there are a few things that we can continue to do to maintain good mental health.
Some behaviors such as:
- Taking care of your body- Making sure you are eating and sleeping well and getting exercise
- Engaging in life affirming activities and managing stress
- Taking care of and continuing to develop your mind
- Taking in active role in life
- eliminating negativity (things, situations and people)
can be very helpful in helping you keep some mental health conditions at a better distance.
Despite its prevalence in our communities, Mental Illness remains hushed and stigmatized. Much of this is due to misconceptions and lack of knowledge. Learn five things that are not not true of mental illness.
Many adults now diagnosed with ADD/ADHD were once children whose needs for services was missed. Now as adults they have the diagnosis to help put a name to what they have been experiencing, but the is still a need to implement changes to help them manage the symptoms and make adjustments help them learn excel.
Every adult with ADD/ADHD should have
- A psychiatrist
- A therapist
- An accountability partner
- A strong schedule/Plan/Organization system
In recent years, many people have adopted, accepted or acquiesced to the use of various mental illnesses to define or describe unacceptable behaviors. It’s fine that you don’t want to call your friend a jerk, but why should people with mental illness bear the burden of being associated with them.
Certain illnesses such as bipolar disorder, mental retardation have been so unfairly used in place of words like stupid, idiot. People describe behaviors as psychotic instead of rude, erratic, aggressive or plain old jerky. We don’t associate negative behaviors with physical ailments, and the same should apply to mental ailments. You don’t say someone is a heart attack when they say something ridiculous, so why would anyone think it’s acceptable to say that they are mentally retarded. If you won’t say your jerky friend is a tumor, why would be suitable to say freely that he’s bipolar.
People who suffer from mental illnesses have enough of their own troubles to deal with. They don’t to be lumped in with the rude, the ignorant or the uncaring jerks of the world. So next time you need to define a behavior, please use your words correctly. Call someone a stupid idiot or a rude jerk if they deserve it, but don’t offend people with mental illnesses by putting them in the same category.
It is reported that 1 in 4 Americans suffer from a mental illness every year. These include depression, a disease that impacts 10% of Americans every year. There are many ways of addressing or treating depression, including
Doing nothing– Which does not help. It really just gives the disease time and opportunity to get stronger and gain an even more debilitating impact.
Medication– People often get prescriptions from family physicians for antidepressants. While antidepressants help with the symptoms they don’t address the core issues and the relief they provide can cease when the medication is discontinued.
Talk Therapy– Helps in providing longer term results and helps client develop coping skill to deal with the disease as well as managing symptoms. Because it is a learning process, it can take a couple of sessions for clients to really start to see feel the results.
Combination of Medication and Talk Therapy– This method combines the benefits of both methods while each one cancels out the drawbacks of the other. Research have found this to be the most effective method for treating depression.
Is depression different from being sad? Absolutely! Sadness can be a symptom of depression but the presence of one does not necessarily mean the other is present.
How come more suicides are not caught and presented? When signs are noticed, people often do act, but the signs of suicidal intent, if they are present, are often not clear indications of the intent. There are some signs that can open the way to asking the questions. When these signs are noticed, the question should be asked.